Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying “I just dropped the b*tch off I’ll be there in a few baby, miss you”. I asked him about it he said “I don’t know what you’re talking about Megan”. My name isn’t Megan. Not even close. FM

via FML

Filed neatly under SMS and Phone, Status Updates and tagged affair, fml, infidelity. Comment or discuss at THIS SPOT.

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

via FML

Filed neatly under Status Updates and tagged affair, fml, fmylife, google, infidelity. Comment or discuss at THIS SPOT.

Damn Im so fat while I was eating the button on my shirt popped opened and fell off! FML! For reals food strike! Nasty good for nothing…

via Twitter / fell off

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because you need to learn how to PROOF your copy!!! good luck…

Hi I am Latin woman in my mid 40s I have posted before and no luck. I hope this time around there could be such a man who is serious about meeting a nice woman even if it is on here. I know out of all places this is one that makes it hard for men to take a woman serious, so I hope that good men will be the ones responding. Lets start I am a loving passionate woman who loves movies, plays, Jazz clubs and most fo sports Basketball- Golf I am easy going person and i like to think fun as well. I am 57 150 caramel complexion and jet bqlck curly hair. I been told i look young for my age so i let you be the judge. Favorite places Miami, Jamaica and most of warm tropical places or being in front of a nice fire place. I seek a man who preferably tall is a weakness 61 and over a gentleman , passionate, intelligent, most of all youthfull…………. Please respond with a picture and I in return will do same……….HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

via Ebony seeking her IvoryMan 4 Xmas..

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Dont know if I caught you or you deliberately caught my attention-

sooo…it was a gorgeous day and if I had a penis, i’d probably be out there, enjoying the day and whacking off too-but not for a passerby’s benefit-

and the funny thing is that I was so totally horny too..the thought had crossed my mind to go over there and randomly fuck your brains out and then continue on my way as if nothing happened (I might have had my own masturbatory fantasy about it later that night)

but you looked like a total goober, (especialy with the ridiculous mastaburatory face you were making) and you are obviously are a spaz because you have to get off on trying to shock and offend people..

you didnt shock or offend me-it was just another random, fucked up thing in my day.

thanks, i think

via best of craigslist: I caught you spanking it on the Charles yesterday – w4m.

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me: intellectually/sexually frustrated; you: unsexy barista – w4m

To my poorly dressed, not-quite-artistic, generically dirty Barista:

I often come to your place of employment for two reasons: (1) to get the fuck away from my parents, with whom I have lived since graduation because the economy hasn’t been too kind to people who decided to concentrate in dead languages/liberal arts, and (2) to seek out new and exciting sexual opportunities. Living with one’s parents is not particularly kind to one’s sex life, and with graduation, so many of those undergraduate opportunities for anonymous sex seem to disappear.

As I sip my four-dollar latte, which is worth about half an hour of unskilled labor at the job I have, for which I am woefully

overqualified, and furiously brush away erase turds from my professional school test prep workbook, I survey the cafe for a quick, escapist fantasy. Even though I’m not sure you’re not in high school, you’re likely the best option for my sick, caffeine-fueled fetish. (Cougarin’ it up is the newest thing right? And as a twenty-something, I’m forced to consider statutory). I begin to envision l’affaire du cafe — some combination of Amelie and the cafe skin scenes from Zack and Miri Make a Porno. But, wait! I suddenly realize I find you less attractive than Seth Rogen. SETH ROGEN.

In order to co-star in my mental menage a deux, you’ll need to reconsider your wardrobe, demeanor, hair cut, posture and lifestyle –

or else quit your job, to free up the position for some scrawny, dirty, bearded hipster barista better suited for the part.

Please remove all American Eagle logo T-shirts from your wardrobe. Perhaps you’re new to the hip barista world, but know hence forth that deep-V American Appeal T-shirts are the preferred costume choice for barista pornos. That violet shirt will show you are at once confident in your masculinity but also able to appreciate Bon Iver. It will look even better on the floor by the panini press. Consider also exceptionally tight jeans. Much like the glass-covered pastry display, these will allow customers to preview your . . . pastry.

Also, please look to the haircuts of any male who isn’t still fretting over the Y2K bug. Any statement you’re attempting to make with your matted, overgrown mushroom cut is one of misplaced irony. Please note your hair is not disheveled or wild. Not even Pete Wentz would sport this washed up Backstreet Boys look. Cut it/grow it/dye it. SOMETHING.

On the topic of hair, I doth protest the landing strip-like patch of goatee under your bottom lip and your weak attempt at beard growth. When I look at your mouth/facial hair combo, I think of my own vagina, alarmed at its resemblance to your face, and not imaging the oral pleasures you might provide. While I want no more commitment from you than the time it takes me to re-focus on my problem sets, your beard demands and deserves much more. The beard is in it to win it. Give it a chance.

If you can also manage to slouch a little more, appear slightly more sullen and reassure me that you are/plan to be a graphic designer/grad student/musician/poet, I am sure I can be your little sex pot, all steamed up and ready to shout. You can look forward to a better money shot than the 19 cents I left in your tip jar earlier today.

Are you ready for post-coital discussions of Dave Eggers? Tell me what my favorite Vampire Weekend song is.

via best of craigslist: me: intellectually/sexually frustrated; you: unsexy barista – w4m.

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